He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
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Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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