My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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