Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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