You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
