He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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