Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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