I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
