now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
