Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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