Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
