Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
