I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
