just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
