She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's shark week go big or go home
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
