I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
