Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
