She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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