it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
