I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
