Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
high people should be assigned attendants
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
