Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad