I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯