wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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