God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
