fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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