So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
