Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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