if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
