I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
is wine microwaveable?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
