i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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