guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
