the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
