youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
