you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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