I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
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We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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