I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
