so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
