Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
