I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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