woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
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I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize