my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
