Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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