I'm eating all of the evidence.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
