i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
