So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
