when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
