he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
