Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
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Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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