anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
