An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
