rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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