Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Randomize
