Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
