You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
