His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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