I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize