rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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