Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
