I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I met the friendliest cop last night
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
