i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
