There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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